Musings on Suicide and all its untold stories ! Life cut short by a moment !! the undying effect of Sushant Singh Rajput’s Suicide !!! Nepotism in Bollywood !!!

These thoughts are there with me for the past few days. Sushant Singh Rajput the cute hero of Kai po che, MS Dhoni and Chhichore, the one with the impish smile committed suicide a week ago on Sunday morning in the middle of Corona virus pandemic and lockdown. Why does his going away create such a big controversy and something that refuses to die down. Why has it impacted so many of us in a way that looks like a personal loss. This year we had a few high profile movie stars who died .. Rishi Kapoor, Irfann Khan and now Sushant Kapoor. Rishi Kapoor died an old man after battling cancer, Irfann khan as a middle aged man after batlling brain tumor both these deaths were sad but understandable simply because we all have lost loved one through desease or old age. Suicide is always the big shocker whether it happens in personal life or public life.

Two of the earliest deaths that I remember is for a classmate who died when we were in 8^th or 9^th standard due to congenital heart disease and a cousin brother who died in a railway accident when I was 15 years old. I have a very vague memory of my classmate but I think my cousins dead body left a very deep impact in my mind probably because that was my first experience of a dead body. Once I came back from crematorium, my own body felt very different, in a way distant and different from my own self if was a deep profound moment that lasted for a short time though. But even then I never had an experience of Suicide which was personally felt.

So the first time, the thought of doing it came in my head it was scary. Over 10 years ago, I was going through a particularly difficult period in my life where all my personal beliefs were shattered. I felt I was alone and that whatever path I choose will lead to further unhappiness and chaos for me. It feels like you are stuck in a situation which has no escape and the only escape seems like killing yourself however dishonourable it might sound. However, since I didn’t take that path it is most likely my despair was most likely not as great or my mind was still able to talk me out of it. I have not shared it with anyone till now and this medium gives me a great anonymity to share it. But even now I cannot share the full details because it is very embarrassing and will affect people who are still in my life. But most of all, we fear telling some dark secrets we tell no one because we fear what will unravel once you start, how the process of sharing that dark secret will change who you are. Its like jumping into an abyss very similar to the abyss that you came out of when you were contemplating suicide. Its like the gate of a nether world that you know exists but you don’t want to go because after you pass through it, nothing that you have in this world will remain the same.

Sushant’s was a household name due to mostly Pavitra Rishta aTV soap, MS dhoni a biopic and Chhicchore a movie on Suicide ( irony). But he was not the most popular movie star or the most handsome. But there is something about his story that connects with us all at different Level. I will like to understand each layer

·        He was from Bihar which was and is a little backward in terms of material wealth and culturally when compared with other states – This lets the poor and disenfranchised to identify themselves with him and adopt him as their own.

·        He was a good student and joined prestigious college for his engineering – Studies are very important for Indians in general and anybody who does well in studies, goes to prestigious schools and colleges is seen in a positive light for the rest of his life. This is so true even in corporate world that after a lifetime of service and great achievements when you are being assessed for new job that “degree” and “institute” becomes a key criteria for selection. Sushant was a good boy in every Indians book because of his studies. And when you juxtapose his studies with other stars in the movie industry then the difference becomes more stark because most of these stars cannot pass class 12^th to save their skin. I think this was also the reason for his not able to adapt himself to fit in their crowd which in turn forever branded him as an outsider.  

·        He belonged to a Middle class family with parents insisting on his becoming engineer – this makes him relatable to a large chunk of middle class population. It is a very middle class trait to have ambition and go after it with nothing but hard work and talent. The fact that he managed not once but twice over (engineering and then movies) makes him very likeable to the middle class people of India

·        He broke the glass ceiling in an industry famous for nepotism and politicking – This lets almost all working class people relate to him who have faced nepotism and politicking at work place. His death also became a torch bearer for people who were against the ruling clique in Bollywood now. So there are powerful forces letting his suicide simmer in public memory, just like there are powerful forces out to malign him after his death.

·        His personality was such that he seemed like a good human, with his good look and raw talent – a likeable person committing suicide is always a bigger news that the death of person people didn’t like too much

·        HIS JOURNEY - I think the thing a lot of people related most was His Journey – His journey was the stuff of dreams. We all think we have come from middle class or poor background, we want to do well in our studies, we want to chase our dream, we want to get rich and famous.. atleast most of us want to do. HE did it all. He left his home for passion, he worked hard, he achieved success and then he was cut to size by people who were jealous of his intelligence, success and his attitude to not be browbeaten. A lot of us have felt this in our life.. relatable? You bet.  And that’s what impacts us all the most. His story is our story

  

Now that he has gone, there are so many skeletons coming out of closet. This is a homegrown trend and hence this will have much more traction that “me too” movement which was basically copied from Hollywood and started by US import called Tanushree Dutta. We have some people like Kangana Ranaut who started the blame of Nepotism on Karan Johar, who has come out openly and named people like KJO, Adi Chopra, Sajid Nadiadwala, Mahesh & Mukesh Bhatt, Balaji Telefilm, Bhushan kumar from T series, Vidhu Vinod Chopra, Anil Kapoor family, Akhtar Family and Salman Khan familyof boycotting Sushant and pushing him to the brink of Suicide. There is truth in what she is saying but very smartly she is doing it at an opportune moment for her. Sushant was socially boycotted by this Cabal (an interesting fact about this CABAL is that almost all of them come from around Peshawar area of Pakistan.. Is this a coincidence?) and as a movie star Kangana was aware of this but she chose to stay quiet and never reached out to Sushant to help him. Now that there is already a big hue and cry by general public she has become very vocal and belligerent. We now have many comments from other celebrity who have shared there two bits. So on one side there is the Cabal which is all powerful and has the backing from powerful forces including mafia ? but on other side is also a set of players who were very scared to come out but are now showing themselves bit by bit:  Vivek Oberoi, Kangana, Shekhar Kapur, Sonu Nigam, Abhijeet Bhattacharjee, Arijit Singh, Anubhav Kashyap etc who are now slowly coming out and naming names. The difference is Cabal team is taking action to increase its power and dominance but the opposition team is saying things to bring them down. The is a wrong tactic from opposition, they should focus on building a team that can dominate and work towards controlling the narrative. There are many fencesitters who are willing to join this team like Prasoon Joshi, Anupam Kher, Paresh Rawal, Ronny Screwwala etc and then there are opportunistic people who will surely join once they get momentum like Bacchhan Family, Part of Kapoor family, Ayushman Khurrana etc.

Cabal team first tried to blame Sushant for his suicide which is partly true. But this doesn’t work for long because Sushant paid dearly for his weakness and hence public did not buy this for long. Then they started a campaign to tell people to grieve in private and let Sushant move on in peace. This also backfired because committing suicide is not normal and nobody in his senses will believe that anybody who commits suicide does so in peace. I think the best option for CABAL is to hold ground and keep quiet. Within a few days the public will forget this brouhaha and move on to the new sensational news. That’s is the time to start working diligently to undermine these voices that have spoken out against them. Like they did to Abhijeet Bhattacharjee, one of the best voices of 90;s , he was shunted out without anybody knowing what happened to him. The more opposition brings out new facts and new names the less focussed it will be on Sushant and easier it will be for Cabal to influence public sentiment. That’s how this will unfold.

Nepotism in Bollywood has always been there, the difference is that the people doing nepotism now are doing it together rather than individually. The other difference is that in a regular nepotism the cabal gets together to decide who will benefit and whom they will work with. In today’s Bollywood they are also deciding whom they will NOT work with. But if you think Nepotism in Bollywood is bad try going to Hyderabad and see the Telegu industry its even worse. Nobody should have this right in any industry as to decide who can come in their industry and who cannot. If something like this happen the government has a duty to come in and stop the monopolies and restrictive industry practice.

Self Doubt is a constant presence !! Self doubt as a life long companion !!

“knowing others is wisdom and Knowing self is enlightenment”

Self doubt is such a topic that by the end of discussing this word, you will come out more doubtful than when you had started ! 😊  There is a huge difference between doubt and self doubt. Doubt is a big obstacle in your mind that doesn’t allow you to do things, self doubt is the string that allows kite to fly higher.  

 

I feel “doubt” needs to be used properly rather than let yourself be used by it. Like everything else in life, if it is present in balanced way then it is helpful. The problem is to find YOUR balance .. what works for you. Doubt should be an aid for you to do something better it should be present like the constant voice in you’re your head goading you to improve everyday. 

The presence of self doubt is a good thing , since it is signifies a certain amount of self awareness while you are doing something. When this same doubt stops you from doing something or acting and does so consistently then we need to be aware of the negative aspect of doubt

 

Self Doubt should be used in conjunction with doing and not as a substitute for not doing. In other words we should use doubt only when we are about to do doing something. It should not be used as an excuse for not doing. This is what it means to master self doubt. As long as it’s a tool it works for you but when you cant control it, when self doubt engulfs you and stops you from doing anyting then you are letting your doubts rule you. It is easier said than done !

Personally, self doubt has been a constant companion I my life. Earlier, I did not have any control on my self doubt but as I have grown older I have become better at managing it.  

I feel these are the relationship that Self doubt has

Sibling – “Self awareness”. Self aware ness allows you to harness self doubt for geater good. It is then used an impetus to do more rather than a impediments to do less. Self awareness also allows yout moderate self doubt to an extent that it becomes a tool in your life

   

Parents – “Contemplation”. Both Self awareness and self doubt are a by-product of contemplation. It’s a contemplative mind which allows us to use self awareness and self doubt to respond to any situation in our life. Without introspection and contemplation we will be forever reacting with any thought. Contemplation and introspection is about growth, action and plans. It enables us to assess patterns and activities in our daily life that allows us to see how our own actions are creating the reality around us

Friend – “Meditation”. Meditation is that friend of self doubt that allows you to increase effectiveness of your deeds. There are many ways to meditate. The one that works best with me is when I have exercised my body to sit in a quiet place and meditate.

Enemy at the gate– “Certainty”.Once something becomes certain in your mind there is no place for Self Doubt. Just like extreme self doubt is bad and doesn't let you explore. Certainty is equally bad or even worse because it is most likely to fail if not preceded by self doubt or contemplation.  

Enemy inside the house – “Rumination”. Rumination is so tricky and unhealthy because it looks and feels like contemplation but it is very far from it. The Inner voice/inner critic can take over the contemplation start taking you to areas which are outside of your influence or take you so far away from the topic at hand that it isn't productive at all.   

I have always had self doubt as a constant companion in my life. I am never fully certain of anything that I do... even when I am fairly certain of a course of action I still wonder if I have thought through enough or not  Earlier in life I used to think that this a sign of low self confidence and with passing of time and with more experience I will not have self doubt. But now I feel self doubt allows me to excel and there is no better tool to keep you on a leash. When in too much self doubt, I wake up very early in the morning but stay in the bed and think about my self doubt (basically I put an alarm at 4 am but continue to be half asleep after I wake up.. confusing no? 😊 ). It allows me to think without using too much logic/conscious thinking and sometimes the clarity I get from it is beyond words. I would like to do it everyday where I wake up at 4 but leave the bed at 5. Unfortunately, I can’t do it everyday.

There are some physical symptoms of doubt/ uncontrolled Self doubt. They are acidity, Pain in muscles, headache, unsteady limbs and shallow unsteady breathing. When you get them pls stop thinking and go to sleep or start meditation. You have to be self aware of the negative effect of this doubt. Start meditation and contemplation. A contemplative mind is a thing of joy.

The Mental Trauma of Gymming !! Travails of gyms for a novice !!

“Champions aren´t made in the gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision.” – Muhammad Ali

In today’s world looking fit and being a member of a gym, any gym, is almost mandatory for the middle class Indian. It was not always so. Infact, I have never during my growing up years been a member of the gym. All through my childhood to adulthood and now to my budding old age, I have avoided going to gym or park for any exercise because even though exercising is supposed to be about stretching yourself, and I don’t mean “stretching” before the exercise, it is anything but.

In my growing up years in Kolkata, going to neighbourhood ‘Para’ park early in the morning was as much about exercise as it was about ‘adda’, which for the non initiated is the art of discussing everything non relevant under the sun. ‘Adda’ was the less competing of the two and hence had a special interest for me. Exercising in a Kolkata park on the other hand was a very stressful activity. Whenever I did manage to drag myself out of bed and to the great outdoors, hordes of insomniacs heading back from the park mocked me with their eyes recognizing the irredeemable laziness of the soul hidden beneath my layers of fat. I would then shy away from them and keep my eyes down lest they start laughing on my face. Once I was inside the park, the situation improved just about enough for me get my courage up and start the walk/Jog (if you notice I use the terms interchangeably since one man’s walk is another man’s jog). But the moment I started walk/jog, somebody would overtake me destroying my morale completely. To build up my frayed and delipidated morale, I would look for the most weak and old bhadrolok with a sweater and an umbrella. The moment I would spot the right profile, I will try to overtake and look triumphant. However, this did not work most days since the really old and haggard gentlemen do not sleep well and by the time I used to make my tentative entry into the park they would have been long gone for the fish and vegetable market.

Once I grew up, I moved to Gym from the parks. In the belief that really expensive gyms are also less frequented aka the paid loo versus the unpaid roadside ones, I got enlisted for one of the swanky looking gyms inside a 5 star hotel. The first day I drove down to the gym and took an elevator to the gym. It was empty with only the trainer smiling lovingly towards me. The sun was getting up in the horizon and streams of sunlight were falling on the half mast blinds creating an aura which words can’t describe. This was the heaven of the gymming. If only I had joined it earlier, by now I would have a washboard abs ranging from 4 pack to 8 pack. I firmly believed, now nothing can stop me from getting what was rightfully mine. I started with some stretching of the body in my expensive walking/Jogging shoes and few thousand worth of shorts, T shirt, wrist bands and I pod. The moment I started doing my thing on the treadmill under the loving gaze of the trainer, a well muscled man and a well toned woman came into the gym and forever destroyed the moment for me.

Now, the demands of my body is such that it is necessary for me to overcome my reservations and do quite a strenuous 5 to10 minute treadmill regularly! But even now the desire to look over to the next treadmill to see how far behind I am with the next guy or girl is very strong and I give in to the temptation ever so often. The fierce competitiveness comes to the fore even now when I start finding excuses for my performance or the lack of it. Now whenever I see a new entrant to the gym tentatively trying out new equipments and always aware of the stares he is getting, I look at him with an indulgence that only grandfathers can have towards their grandchildren.

I am sure champions are not made in Gym for if they were made, I would have been a champion in something. I guess Muhammad Ali was right about champions. In a gym, champions have vision, desires and dreams .... I only had hesitation, fear and screams. But I guess it is better to be ridiculed by another human than being unhealthy.

Living and working in Covid times - Fear and precaution, livelihood vs health

The pandemic has changed everything we knew as a routine. Nothing has changed outwardly but everything has changed subtly. How much of the change is sustainable or how much of it is only a reaction for the short time only time will tell. This is same that happens when you attend someone funeral, you come back all knowledgeable about life and death, however within a short time you get back to your old self. In the meantime we need to get busy living or get busy dying

I have quarantined myself since yesterday when I heard that one of my colleague has been tested positive for corona. I did not spend time with him in the past or even had a meeting. I spoke to him for a couple of minutes with all the protection which was suggested. My mask was on all the time. I did not stand close to him and I kept on sanitising my hand. But since the time I realised that he has it , I have been feeling unwell. Now the issue is I don't know if this is real or psychosomatic. My symptoms right now are a little flushed hand and feet, a bit of constipation and acidity, and a little blockage of nose. By the way I am acidic and have blocked nose most of the time. So truly I have symptom of a little warm hands and feet which is new. However I am not taking chances. I have locked myself in my study. Nobody is coming in and going out. My food is kept on a table and I take them when people have moved out. The work continues and I feel strong.

You might be very scared of a disease and when you hear from the world you feel that if it happens to you it will be catastrophe but when the signs are close and you fear that you have it .. the whole emotion is rather underwhelming. Your mind gets into a mode of self preservation and then you normalise the disease. I don't have it till now ( or rather I am not showing any symptoms) but even then my mind has normalised it.

 The next thoughts are about you family. I was planning to get my mom, she stays alone and I thought that during this time it is better to get her so that we can face the pandemic together. But now I have suspended the plan and informed her of the development. Also I need to think of how to save the family for contracting it (if I have it offcourse which is another matter)

There is also an element what people, your neighbour , your children's friend will say once they find out. Will they talk about you kindly, will there be acceptance that you have been very careful, will they ask their kids not play with you .. what will be the repercussions. The questions are endless but I am going ahead of myself. 

Now the situation after 24 hours of being cooped in a room .. every little action is full of effort and lot of thought is needed. I think its a good time to do vipassna atleast on the weekend because on a normal day there a many calls to attend and mails to reply to. So on a normal day it doesn't seem like a great deal but on weekends it might be heavy and that too after seven days cooped up in a room. I am trying to now improve my immunity by having vit c but then its never too late to work on the immunity .. or it? How do you know that your immunity is up? are you ever ready to take on a such a challenge physically mentally? No way to know

The pandemic is far from peaking it is still going to new number and new geographies. I think we will have a successful vaccine by October but that means this year is a washout because we will need atleast a quarter to inoculate everyone in high density location. What we need as a group is to be safe till then. However its very difficult to continue to be inside home for more than 6 months which means all of us living in crowded places and working in regular offices are in grave danger of getting this desease. The natural corollary of this is that we need two separate instructions to deal with this crisis. One is avoidance and other one is dealing with it when you get it. Till now we are all taking about protection what we need is also discussion on what to do when we get this desease. It should be clear to everyone so that the patient knows what needs to be done and also the larger family also knows what to do if someone in the family get it